


what are we?

by smallxiao



Category: Given (Anime), Given (Manga)
Genre: Angst, Childhood Friends, Denial of Feelings, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-15
Updated: 2021-01-15
Packaged: 2021-03-13 08:07:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,968
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28775055
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smallxiao/pseuds/smallxiao
Summary: hiiragi was consumed by selfishness while shizu was consumed by doubt
Relationships: Kashima Hiiragi/Yagi Shizusumi
Comments: 1
Kudos: 10





	what are we?

**Author's Note:**

  * For [whoever loves given](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=whoever+loves+given).



> HEAVY manga spoilers, read at ur own risk hun

> _**sleepless nights.** _
> 
> is what hiiragi always had thinking about his friend, boyfriend, enemy or stranger Shizusumi. He never knew what they truly were and that was what was always haunting him.
> 
> the blonde-haired boy stared at his clock in his nightstand reading **"04:04"** and he slightly smile at the coincidence. Insomnia was hitting hard so he picked up his phone trying to distract himself from those haunting & negative thoughts, hiiragi opened his photo gallery. There you could see hundreds of his selfies including with shizusumi mainly because they were always together due to their band mostly but when he scrolled backwards, you could see their old childhood photos with the original friend group: yuki, mafuyu, shizu & him. 
> 
> **damn, how he missed the old times.**
> 
> before knowing, his whole world was turned upside down because of yuki's suicide. Not only him of course, he knew Mafuyu was the most affected of them all but he loved Yuki as one of his best friends of course.
> 
> _he fell asleep._
> 
> Waking up, he stared at the ceiling for about 15 minutes before realizing he was already running late so he hurried up and picked us his bike to school. It was their last year of school and soon he will be graduating and that brought many anxious thoughts because as much as he loved music he never knew if that was what he truly wanted for his future or simply a hobby.
> 
> \- Why are you always late? - the familiar voice reached his ears.
> 
> _there he was, the boy who had his heart._
> 
> \- Sorry, shizu. - he smiled at him sarcastically.
> 
> Hiiragi and Shizusumi walked together to the music room for usual practice. After some time, Shizu noticed Hiiragi was acting strange.
> 
> \- Hey, what's the matter with you today? - Shizu asked trying to cover up the fact that he might've been slightly worried about his bestfriend.
> 
> \- Ah.. nothing. - Hiiragi was trying his best to pretend like he was stable.
> 
> \- No, it's not nothing, Hiiragi. You're going to tell me what's been wrong with you for the past few days. - Shizusumi stared at him dead in his golden eyes and how much he loved that color because of him but never spoke a word about it.
> 
> \- Problems at home. My parents have been fighting and I'm pretty sure they're divorcing. - Hiiragi spoke and his voice cracked of pain.
> 
> \- Hiiragi, if you're uncomfortable at home, you know my door is always open for you, like always. - Shizu stated hoping to help Hiiragi.
> 
> \- Thank you, Shizu. I'm really tired of hearing fights everyday. - Tears filled his eyes but he tried to mask it off by laughing.
> 
> The room was filled by silence. Shizusumi was wondering what could he do for his friend without sounding like he didn't care because he did and **infinitely.**
> 
> \- Hey, wanna try out the drums? - he asked stupidly in attempt to change the subject.
> 
> \- Sure, why not. - Hiiragi agreed.
> 
> \- Here, sit on my lap. - Shizu pointed at his thighs.
> 
> When Hiiragi heard those words he blushed so hard he never knew he could turn that red so fast but obeyed. Sitting on his lap, Shizu took the boy's arms, put the drumsticks in his hands and guided them through the instrument, hands touching one another. 
> 
> **the tension was horribly strong.**
> 
> Hiiragi coughed and got off his lap.
> 
> \- I think we should go, thanks though. - Hiiragi said while packing his stuff and his bass.
> 
> \- Right. - Shizu realized how akward that situation was getting and agreed to stop it.
> 
> * * *
> 
> Shizusumi and Hiiragi were walking to his house. He looked at his watch marking **08:08pm** and looked how dark already it was, the stars were shining brightly, definitely a divine stargazing moment with the boy he loved. They sat on a bench at the usual park where they used to play with Mafuyu and Yuki when they were children. Shizu put his airpods listening to music. Hiiragi stole one of them and they shared listening to Shizu's favorite songs. In his Spotify you could read "Yellow-Coldplay". 
> 
> \- I put this song because it reminds me of you. - Shizu stated. 
> 
> \- Awww, Shizu are you really that head over heels for me? - Hiiragi smiled.
> 
> \- What makes you think that? - Shizusumi stared at Hiiragi's golden eyes.
> 
> \- Do you know what a "yellow" is? - Hiiragi asked.
> 
> Shizu shook his head.
> 
> \- If you call someone "yellow" it means they're the person who makes you the happiest, the person who makes your life worth living, your sunflower basically soulmate. - Hiiragi's eyes shone brightly at Shizusumi when he spoke.
> 
> \- Is that so? - Shizu replied.
> 
> \- Yes, that's so. - Hiiragi laughed.
> 
> After some minutes, they got up and spotted a fountain. They decided to throw a coin to wish something for their future as a tradition.
> 
> \- You first, go ahead. - Shizusumi demanded. 
> 
> Hiiragi squeezed hard the coin in his hand before throwing it in the fountain. 
> 
> " **I want you so bad, it's my only wish."** he thought while looking at Shizu.
> 
> He threw the coin and watched it drown. 
> 
> \- Alright, let's head home, it's getting really late. - Shizusumi started walking.
> 
> * * *
> 
> At home, they were watching nonsense meaningless TV shows to pass time because none of them wanted to sleep. 
> 
> \- I want to tell you something, Hiiragi. - Shizu started.
> 
> Hiiragi immediately got nervous.
> 
> \- You know, I only continued to stay in SYH because I still had passion for the drums, but now I can't say the same anymore. I've been meaning to tell you this for a while but never found the right time. I'm planning to study law abroad in Europe after we graduate from High School.
> 
> Hiiragi's heart was haunted by the painful words he just heard. 
> 
> \- Oi, Shizu, are you serious about this? - His voice cracked.
> 
> \- Very much. - Shizusumi reforced.
> 
> \- Well, you know what do whatever you want, I don't care. I'm going to sleep, goodnight. - Hiiragi turned his back on the black-haired boy trying to hide his visible tears and left him alone in the living room.
> 
> Hiiragi tried countless times to fall asleep but couldn't. His own thoughts were killing him. His wish was obviously not going to be granted, not that he already didn't know that but it still hurt because he still had hope **for them.** He was terrified of the future, the uncertainty of what will happen next is eating him up because you never know what tomorrow brings.
> 
> * * *
> 
> In the morning, Shizusumi noticed Hiiragi was already gone. He knew this would happen and knowing graduation was in 1 week he tried to cherish the time he had left with his golden boy. Not that he could call him "his" because that was never stated but he liked the idea despite hating cheesy ass romance thoughts.
> 
> Hiiragi was with the given band with Mafuyu so they could practice some more before ending school and they were close to debut. He knew SYH was done for although he wishes everything was different. Don't get him wrong, he liked Mafuyu's friends but he obviously prefered the times when it was just him and the original friend group before everything collapsed. They trained the whole afternoon and decided to get dinner at a local near restaurant, everything was chill but Hiiragi was lowkey exaggerating on the drinking amount to forget Shizusumi just for a while, that's what he needed.
> 
> As they headed out, he spotted a black haired boy staring at him in the other side of the street. He wondered how and what the hell was he doing there. 
> 
> \- Let's go Hiiragi, you're pratically drunk and I'm not leaving you alone like this. - Shizusumi grabbed his hand.
> 
> Hiiragi couldn't understand what was going on due to the alcohol effect. In the middle of their walk, he stopped and let go of Shizu's hand. The street was empty, only their presence. You only could hear distant cars. 
> 
> \- I don't understand you. I just can't do it. - Hiiragi starts speaking but his heart aches.
> 
> \- What? Let's keep going, you're drunk. - Shizusumi attempts to grab his hand again but Hiiragi slaps it. 
> 
> \- One day, it seems like you like me and the other you tell me you're leaving me, the band and everyone. - Hiiragi can only look down to avoid facing Shizusumi.
> 
> \- You're talking nonsense. - Shizusumi wanted to avoid this discussion, it was one of his biggest fears talking about his feelings because he always felt like he was a burden deep down.
> 
> \- Shut up! Listen to me, for once god damn it. - Hiiragi builds up his courage. - I can't keep it a secret anymore, not that's it's not obvious because pratically everyone knows it already. 
> 
> \- What? - Shizusumi is confused with this attitude.
> 
> \- I'm absurdly in love with you. I've always have been and you're doing all this shit to me and act like we're "just friends" when you know that's all bullshit. - Hiiragi spits out the words he always wanted to.
> 
> Shizusumi freezes. He can't speak. He can't believe what he's hearing.
> 
> \- Are you sure about that, Hiiragi? You always looked at Yuki instead of me, you pratically idolized him and worshipped his relationship with Mafuyu. - Shizusumi felt betrayed and lied to.
> 
> \- What the fuck? I idolized Yuki because he was a fantastic person, he was extraordinary and everybody knew that. I wanted that kind of relationship with you. - Hiiragi still couldn't face Shizu.
> 
> Shizusumi laughed sarcastically. For the first time, Hiiragi heard his laugh in months.
> 
> \- Are you fucking kidding me? Hiiragi, you're full of shit. Ever since Yuki died, you're been clinging onto me because you don't have anyone else, Mafuyu left us and I'm the only one who puts up with your shit. - Shizusumi started to get angry.
> 
> \- You're really that dumb, aren't you? You're just an asshole because you don't like talking about feelings and that's the difference between you and Yuki. Even if Yuki was this whole extravagant person I still preferred you. - Hiiragi faced him. 
> 
> \- Of course. Everyone loves Yuki. Including you, am I right? You were in love with Yuki, weren't you? - Shizusumi didn't buy Hiiragi's words.
> 
> Hiiragi couldn't believe what was happening, Shizu was giving up on hearing him.
> 
> \- No, idiot. I'm in LOVE WITH YOU! IT'S YOU THAT I LOVE! - Hiiragi started crying and punched Shizu's chest over and over so he could see how desperate he truly was. - Yuki's fucking dead, leave him alone. I want you like I always did and will do.
> 
> \- Is that so? - Shizusumi grabbed Hiiragi's hand and stared at his eyes.
> 
> Hiiragi couldn't stop shaking.
> 
> \- I wanted that kind of relationship. Mafuyu and him always seemed like they were always in their own world, they completed each other and were each other's halves. But can you do that with me, though?
> 
> \- I don't want a world like theirs. I want to create our own, Shizusumi, for fucks sake. - Hiiragi couldn't believe he was finally confessing.
> 
> \- We can't do that so suddenly. I'm going to give you time to think about all this. Give me a call when you feel like you're ready and stable to talk, you're drunk. You may decide. - Shizusumi spit out the final words of the night. He walked the golden boy home to keep him safe then headed out to his own. 
> 
> * * *
> 
> Hiiragi woke up to the worst headache of his life. He knew he drank too much. He stood up to take a fresh shower then he remembered what happened the previous night. As much as he tried, he couldn't stop thinking about it. **The spoken words cut exactly like knives.**
> 
> His faith was crumbled just in seconds. He knew this was too toxic to keep going so he gave up on his wish and set Shizusumi free to find someone who truly will give him what he deserves and not an idiot like himself. 
> 
> **So the call never arrived.**


End file.
